Just when you thought it was safe to go out at night in Ohio, we bring you the saga of one Hellen Schweizer, an Ohio woman who identifies as a vampire.

Yes, really.

Halloween means something more to Hellen Schweizer than it does to others who merely carve pumpkins, go trick-or-treating or bob for apples.

This Halloween marks the two-year anniversary of an epiphany for Schweizer. On that date in 2021, the Ohio woman was struck by her connection to vampirism.

There has been no turning back for the 28-year-old woman who identifies as a vampire, who wears fangs and a makeup palette of dark red lipstick with a "Phoenix eye," punctuated by red, orange and yellow and a beak and a tail. She also wears a white shirt with "flowy sleeves"  and a black cape.

But as vampires go, she's definitely the non-threatening sort. (Did you know there was a non-threatening sort of vampire? Neither did I.)

Schweizer also doesn't subscribe to the notion she will live forever, another concept people associate with vampires.

She does "suck in" energy, she said, which she feels all around her.

As others do some time during their life, she reached a point where she found "a key that unlocks everything."

Living as a vampire "just felt right."

(Narrator: She doesn't suck in energy.)

I know what you're thinking: She's a nut. She's nuttier than squirrel poo. She's a few fries short of a happy meal. She's a half-bubble off plumb. Not firing on all cylinders. Daffy. But, there appears to be method to her madness:

"A big part of my career is TikTok," because her fans love it.

Uh-huh. I think we have uncovered the root of this self-identification; Ms. Schweizer has found a schtick, and she is (pardon the pun) schticking to it. As I recall, one can monetize TikTok, and many of Hellen's fans are obviously caught up in love at first bite; I'm all in favor of making money and hope she is doing well. If so, she would be well-advised to retain account Dracula to manage her finances. Perhaps she could partner up with the notorious cross-dressing vampire, Count Dragula.

Of course, Ms. Schweizer is an American vampire, and I'm willing to concede that this may change her vampiric behavior; this can happen. For example, to kill a French vampire, one must drive not a stake but a baguette through their heart, although I'm told the process is pain-staking. Ms. Schweizer also notes that she has a preference for "cloudy and snowy" weather despite the possibility of frostbite. There's also the question of how a warming climate could affect vampires. More sunshine would seem to be problematic, requiring more shelter space for vampires below the poverty level; for these undead, the stakes have never been higher.

Finally, if we could offer Ms. Schweizer any advice, it would be to be judicious in her travel plans. Vampires are allegedly killed by holy water, and as we all know, they blessed the rains down in Africa.

We live in odd times. Plenty of people seem to "identify" as whatever they please and expect to be taken seriously. Reality won't be denied forever, though. One can "identify" as a ham sandwich, but that doesn't make it true.

A recent documentary series, however, has revealed that the "I identify as..." phenomenon goes back as far as the Middle Ages:

Sooner or later, we can hope, society will cross back into some saner times. Until then, we grit our teeth and hope that this happens right off the bat.