Pulitzer Prize Dis-Honors: Safe COVID Respirating, Trial Celebrities Celebrating, and Johnny Cash Micturating

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism is worthy of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions to the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Local Reporting

Caitran Assaf – Fox News 16 Little Rock

A local water tower in Kingsland, Arkansas, celebrates the country singer Johnny Cash, who was born in the town. His image is seen on a local water tower, which was the errant target of a bullet. “Somebody shot our water tower, shot the silhouette of Johnny Cash in a very sensitive area,” explained mayor Luke Neal, glancing up at the Man in Black. “It’s been leaking for the last almost week.”

Maybe the music legend should be rechristened “The Man In Yellow.”

Dateline: Kingsland, Arkansas—

A stray bullet struck the local water tower, causing a steady leak. Call it serendipitous that it hit directly on the silhouette of local legend Johnny Cash, in a strategic spot for such a stream of water. pic.twitter.com/4hcXHaKVol

— Lie-Able Sources (@LieAbleSources) June 5, 2022

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

Candace McDuffie – The Root

We can eventually return to our normal social dysfunction soon, now that the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial has blissfully ended. With that is also a departure by the fractured media coverage, such as seen in The Root, which managed to find a racial offshoot to the saga. Of course, the gripe-fest between two pampered and privileged white celebrities had to have a resonance and negative impact on black women…somehow.

Amber Heard Verdict Sends A Message To Black Women Everywhere https://t.co/Hq4z5Zcqm2 pic.twitter.com/JnoPg4zwWE

— The Root (@TheRoot) June 1, 2022

Distinguished Cultural Criticism

Kelsey Weekman – BuzzFeed News

As someone not giving the first damn about the Heard-Depp trial, I have to take it on faith that it is somehow important for an outlet to tabulate who is taking sides in the verdict. I have to assume this, based on Buzzfeed spending the effort tabulating which celebrities backed which celebrity in the celebrity trial-of-the-sedentary.

Here's a list of all the celebrities and influencers who have liked Johnny Depp's and Amber Heard's Instagram posts about the defamation trialhttps://t.co/qya3sFQ0Hp

— kelsey weekman (@kelsaywhat) June 2, 2022

Distinguished National Reporting

Kevin Fallon – The Daily Beast

With COVID on the wane, the press is losing out on a regular item in its arsenal of hysteria, namely blaming Ron DeSantis for — well, anything pandemic related. At the Daily Beast, writer Kevin Fallon refuses to let go of this cherished ritual. He found a case of a lone principal who was affected by long-COVID and recently passed away. Of course, this was blamed on DeSantis… opening schools nearly two years ago.

Over 15,000 public schools in the state, maybe a couple of hundred thousand teachers guiding millions of students.
One principal death after a couple of years is held up as a failure of the decision.
This is about as ridiculous of a report as can be found. https://t.co/YMxWskY95o

— Brad Slager 🍸🥃🍺🎙 Lifetime Subscriber to CNN+ (@MartiniShark) June 1, 2022

Distinguished Investigative Reporting

Yakob Reyes – Poynter

Thankfully, we have the warriors for truth out there working on our behalf, making sure we are not duped by social media posts. After all, they could waste valuable time verifying the various claims made by Joe Biden and the administration.

But, in a martyr-like fashion, the time has instead been spent to assure us that the story of a Florida Man turning himself in to authorities for murdering his imaginary friend is, in fact, NOT TRUE but based on a seven-year-old parody account.

No, a Florida man did not turn himself in for murdering his "imaginary friend."https://t.co/ejtw2l42FE

— Poynter (@Poynter) June 3, 2022

Distinguished Public Service

Savannah Meacham – Nine News Sydney Australia

More COVID updates, this time from the hotbed of pandemic hysteria: Australia. In a deeply helpful segment, we learn that if you are intent on saving someone’s life, you can be assured you are not spreading COVID if you keep your mask in place while administering CPR.

As COVID-19 deaths remain stubbornly high in Australia, new international research has found it may be possible to perform mouth-to-mouth CPR while wearing a face mask to keep the virus at bay. #9News https://t.co/2QCbdiMRJg

— 9News Australia (@9NewsAUS) June 3, 2022

Distinguished International Reporting

Robert Barron – Grand Forks Gazette

An area school nearby Vancouver had an encounter with a black bear, as it was deeply interested in a garbage storage area on the campus. An intrepid music teacher sprung into action to evacuate the ursine from the school.