The U.S. commercial space industry is an inspiring project which showcases American ingenuity and exceptionalism. But the last FAA guidelines under the Commercial Space Astronaut Wings Program were clear: Crewmembers who travel into space must have “demonstrated activities during flight that were essential to public safety, or contributed to human space flight safety.” 

The crew who flew to space this week on an automated flight by Blue Origin were brave and glam, but you cannot identify as an astronaut. They do not meet the FAA astronaut criteria.

(READ: Transportation Secretary Duffy Delivers a Reality Check to Blue Origin Lady 'Astronauts')

My colleague Hoge agrees with Duffy with his final line in his article: "And they're not astronauts." 

But wait a moment. I think we're jumping the gun here. Based on these rules laid down by Blue Origin, my resume could get a massive boost in appeal. The creativity it allows me will propel me into the history books as the most accomplished man alive. 

For instance, did you know that — under Blue Origin standards — I'm an astronaut too? 

Have I ever been to space or even taken a sub-orbital flight? No, but when I was younger, I did attend a space camp that had us simulate what it's like to launch in a rocket, as well as operate a control room. Now, according to Blue Origin, my experiencing something akin to space flight makes me an astronaut, and moreover, I'm also a control room expert. 

If SpaceX needs an experienced man for their crew on the next launch, my phone is nearby. 

But I'm not about to stop there. 

Every day, I work in a high-pressure situation in a kitchen and have to get food out quickly. Failing to get the food out on time, or even plated in a way that is slightly undesirable, can cause massive problems. Moreover, the menu is ever-evolving, and even the most well-cooked meal could be sent back on a whim. 

Every day is a guessing game. Is it dino-nuggies on a Toy Story plate? Spaghetti in a Bluey bowl? Bananas and strawberries with Cheerios on a Paw Patrol paper plate? There's no telling. Sometimes, you may receive the order, prepare the meal, then have it rejected outright when it's presented. 

My toddler is a very picky customer with near-impossible standards, but thanks to the environment he causes in the kitchen, I qualify as a professional chef by Blue Origin rules. Gordon Ramsey and I share the same pedestal as we've fought many of the same battles during the course of our culinary career, so if he ever needs someone to fill in at one of his kitchens, or perhaps be a guest chef on one of his shows, his people can call my people on the Paw Patrol communicator. 

But wait. There's more. 

My wife recently had major surgery and, as such, it fell on me to take care of her in the aftermath, which I won't get too far into, but suffice to say it's not exactly for the weak. I've even had to provide and administer medications. Caring for the sick and injured qualifies me as a doctor, plain and simple. I'll be expecting my medical degree to arrive in the next few days. 

Did you know that I'm also an experienced soldier and war fighter? It's true. 

Since I was small, I've been in many different combat scenarios, whether it's the underground bunkers of Nazi Germany, sniping warlords in Camariñas, Spain, or surviving in a war torn area outside of Russia called Tarkov. In several instances, I was even deployed to Mars to fight back a demon horde. Needless to say, I have more combat experience than most veterans in the U.S. military, and my knowledge about how to fight in wars — against both humans and aliens — is vast. 

I heard that Pete Hegseth has some openings over some trouble with his advisors, but he doesn't have to worry. I can fill the role with no problems. 

You might be asking if it matters that all my kills are digital. It's a fair question to ask, but by Blue Origin standards, I am one of the greatest soldiers to ever live. 

So let's review. 

I'm a highly decorated veteran, a Michelin chef, a talented doctor, an experienced astronaut... oh, and I'm a published writer. 

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I didn't even get into how my Robinhood account makes me a financial guru, or how my recent visit to the zoo qualifies me as an expert on animals. 

I know, I know. I'm impressive. Books will be written about me, songs will be sung, statues will be erected, and women will swoon as I walk by. Many people won't accomplish half of what I have. I mean, I'm no Katy Perry, but I think I've lived a pretty accomplished life so far. 

Maybe, one day, you'll be as great as me.