Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

The Hottest Dungeon Master

Actor and unbearably hot human Joe Manganiello spent a few hours at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center Children’s Hospital (he’s from that area) to teach the kids how to play Dungeons and Dragons.

He said “I think at the heart of this game, it’s about immersion, and it’s about being able to step out of reality for a little while. And when it comes to Children’s Hospital and kids, [who are] here for a while, I think that becomes really necessary.”

Verdict: I’ve got a real soft spot for people who will take their time for kids who need a bright spot in their day. This gives me hope for a future without doom.

Engagement Nonsense

Presented without comment.

Rokshok has created the first engagement ring case. The device doubles up as a ring box, allowing people to film themselves and their potential partner-for-life popping the question. Are we obsessed with catching every single moment on camera? @ElaineCrowley pic.twitter.com/9jvPgqDTdt

— Elaine (@ElaineVMTV) January 7, 2020

Verdict:  When the picture means as much to you as the moment, you’ve got a problem. The fact that this is the case for enough people that there’s a market for this product, we’re doomed.

Dude.

Is…is this a doctor?

https://twitter.com/Marriah_J/status/1216243223837851648

Are we supposed to think people moved by this are definitely adults capable of making adult decisions, because that’s not what I got from this.

Verdict: I don’t think I need to tell you this is doom.

Bionic Man!

“Hey guys, this is Jonathan, and I’m about to take a drink of apple juice with my right hand for the first time.”

This 12-year-old Wisconsin boy has been fitted with a life-changing 3D-printed bionic arm after being born without part of the limb. https://t.co/FZFohi4gFn pic.twitter.com/PBVZIYcjj5

— ABC News (@ABC) January 16, 2020

Bonus: I love apple juice.

Verdict: Didn’t this make your heart happy? We’re going to be ok.

Locker Room Behavior In the Locker Room

Not to shock you, but locker room behavior sometimes takes place in the locker room.

The New Orleans police have issued a simple battery warrant for Odell Beckham Jr. after slapping an officer on the butt.

(via @MusikFan4Life) pic.twitter.com/u6GftrzMJ1

— Yahoo Sports (@YahooSports) January 16, 2020

Verdict: We are super doomed. Are you serious?

Sorry, Fish-looking?

Meanwhile, another NFL player livestreamed an altercation between himself and his baby mama, in which he called her a “fish-looking bitch” and threw a bag of dicks at her.

Checking in on Antonio Brown…. pic.twitter.com/2QpX7w7VCk

— Barstool Sports (@barstoolsports) January 13, 2020

Verdict: Full. Doom.

FINAL ANALYSIS

This week was so weird, it’s hard to say. But let’s just say that I have faith in humanity.