Alaska Man Monday - Laundromats and Princesses

On Alaska’s Highway 3, the Parks Highway, which runs from Palmer to Fairbanks – in fact, it’s the only highway that runs directly from Palmer to Fairbanks – once you get past Big Lake Road, there’s not a whole lot of civilization. In fact, it's common among locals to observe that Big Lake Road is where "real Alaska" starts (there is even a sign along the highway at that intersection that makes this claim.) This gives rise to the jibe, "You can drive from Anchorage to Alaska in about 90 minutes."

Oh, there are little rural communities scattered along the highway, including Willow, Trapper Creek, and the touristy town of Healy, which is at the entrance of Denali National Park. One of these communities, just north of Broad Pass, gives us our first Alaska Man story of the day.

Alaska State Troopers act fast, four bad guys busted near Cantwell.

Alaska State Troopers (AST) received a call from the Cantwell gas station on April 7, saying the keys to the laundromat had been stolen and the suspects had driven off down the Parks Highway. Locals in the area were able to provide troopers with a vehicle description as they quickly located the vehicle near the McKinley Village Community Center. They also kept AST updated with information until the troopers arrived to the Community Center.
An investigation by the troopers indicated the driver, 34-year-old Richard Simms of North Pole, had stolen the keys to the laundromat. Simms also had an outstanding warrant for failure to appear at jail to serve out a sentence and he was allegedly driving with his license revoked.
47-year-old Preston Husted of Anchorage, who was one of the passengers in the vehicle and a convicted felon, was allegedly found to be in possession of a loaded handgun. He was also allegedly carrying quantities of methamphetamine and fentanyl that were packaged for distribution. According to AST, Husted had prior convictions on similar charges of drug possession with intent to distribute. He was arrested and charged with multiple counts of misconduct involving controlled substances and weapons misconduct.

Once again the quick-acting Alaska State Troopers were on the spot; these guys cover huge areas with fewer people than any law-enforcement organization in the lower 48 could imagine and still managed to bring these malefactors to heel in short order. The thieves, on the other hand, set some new boundaries for stupid crooks, as they didn’t take into account the sharp-eyed locals and how folks in rural Alaska communities look out for one another.

Alaska Man Score: 1.5 of 5 moose nuggets. Demerits for the crooks being idiots, but I’ll give them some points back for giving us a chuckle.

Now, onto an Alaskan figure who was awarded a Senate seat like a feudal title:

Murkowski Strikes Again.

Princess Lisa Murkowski is treading dangerous ground here; Alaskans love their guns and tend to be staunchly pro-Second Amendment; here in the Valley, as I’m fond of pointing out, even the hippies have guns and know how to use them. Lisa Murkowski seems to keep her Republican registration mostly because Democrats don't hold much sway here outside of Anchorage and Juneau, which is why seeing the legacy media talk about Joe Biden's projected win in a Democrat primary here is amusing, despite his hostility towards one of Alaska's key job sources - energy.

Biden Admin Locking Down HALF of Alaska's National Petroleum Reserve From Energy Development

Now Princess Lisa is softening on another thing that Alaskans in general feel strongly about, namely, the Second Amendment.

Firearm dealers will be required by the Biden Administration to run background checks on buyers who purchase firearms from gun shows or other places that are not actual stores. The rule also applies to online sales and even between private persons.
The Biden Administration says it has the authority to expand this curtailment of constitutional rights because of the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act, which was supported and voted for by Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski. Sen. Dan Sullivan voted against it.

Here’s the onion:

“From the outset, this bill was a compromise measure, spearheaded by a bipartisan group of 20 of my Senate colleagues. I join them in their commitment to showing the public that Congress knows the status quo on gun violence is not acceptable—that we can do more for school safety, for the safety of our communities, and to address the growing mental health crisis in this country,” said Sen. Murkowski after voting in favor of the bill in 2022.

Princess Lisa, you got a lot wrong here. There is no such thing as “gun violence,” there is only violence perpetrated by people, and your vote here isn’t going to win you any more friends in the Great Land outside of the Anchorage Bowl and Juneau – and you already had those largely Democratic jurisdictions voting for you anyway.

Alaska (Wo)man score: 0 of 5 moose nuggets. Learn to read the room, Senator. Leave our guns - and our rights to buy, sell, and trade our private property - alone.

It’s been a quiet week in the Last Frontier, so only the two incidents. But spring is coming, the bush rats are emerging from hibernation, and I’m sure there will be more amusing and outrageous Alaska man antics to describe in weeks to come.