The Life and Times Of A Lyin’ Dog-faced Pony Soldier. As told by Joe Biden to JimmyToons Thompson (Abridged Edition)

Chapter One

My name is Joseph R. Biden. I was born in a Scranton, Pennsylvania, coal mine on November 20, 1942. I came from the long line of coal miners. It was in my blood, man. Literally. When I came out I was already covered in coal dust. That’s not hyperbole, man. True story. It happened. I opened my eyes, and God’s truth, instead of crying, I got right to work. I cut my own umbilical and pitched a coal axe. I can still see my dad’s smile through his coal dust-covered face.

My pops, he had ambitions for me. Like the Kennedys, my pops, God rest his soul — he wanted more for me.

My mom, God rest her soul, wanted to name me Derek Zoolander after, you know, another long line of coalminers. But my dad said no, “he’s Joseph Robinette Jr” and he’s gonna be president some day.” Hand on the Bible, folks, that what he said. I was there, man! I heard it.

My family moved to Delaware because my dad wanted to make his fortune selling used Buicks. He sold more Buicks than Ford sold Mustangs. God’s Truth, but never mind, that’s another story, folks.

I was always at the top of my class in school. Same with athletics, man. The Steelers wanted to sign me my junior year of high school, but I remembered what my dad said to me back in that Scranton coal mine: “You’re gonna be president, kid.”

When I wasn’t studying or marching with MLK, or protesting the war in Vietnam, I was lifeguarding for poor black kids at a public pool. Those kids all loved my legs. I think the number of kids I saved from drowning or from CornPop, that gangster, in just one summer, was about 400,000.

I went to Syracuse on a full scholarship, but, let me tell you, man, I told the university president that I didn’t want it. I said: “I’m a white man, man! Sure, I’m super-smart and handsome and my dad sells Buicks. I’ve got it all. Give it to a poor black kid, someone that’s articulate and bright and clean, you know, storybook, man.”

But the president insisted and said: “There something about you Joe. You’re gonna be president some day, Joe.” He really said that. After that, when I wasn’t busy studying quantum physics with Albert Einstein, I was driving an 18-wheeler for the union. Man, I literally didn’t sleep for two years straight years. God’s truth.

I graduated from Syracuse, in two years with three degrees under my belt, and got married. I wanted to join the Army and fly PT Boats in ‘Nam, but every time I tried to join, I was got a deferment. The recruiters all said the same thing. “Man, you saved all those black kids at the pool. You deserve a medal and five deferments. ‘Cause Joe, you’re gonna be president some day.”

Harvard Law wanted me, but I chose U. of Delaware. Full-ride scholarship. That’s not hyperbole, folks. They loved me. There was a mix-up during one of my exams. I lifted, word-for-word, from a law review article I had read, and sure, they called it plagiarism, but when I read the article, I thought, “That’s exactly what I would have written!” So, I think that law review writer stole it from me.

I graduated top of my class, man. Sure, there are rumors that I was close to the bottom of the class, but it’s not true, man. I was so good at lawyering, I wanted the poor black students to be ranked ahead. So, I tanked a couple of exams on purpose.

I give you my word, folks, as a Biden. That’s exactly how it happened — God’s truth as a good Catholic.

Next: Chapter 2, How I Single Handedly Saved My Family From A Raging House Fire