I wrote yesterday about how dead end supporter of a failed economic philosophy, Bernie Sanders, suddenly fancies himself a champion of making policy based on empirical facts. He was pandering in support of the nascent plans for a Scientists’ March on Washington. So far the march is little more than a basic Blogger powered website with some silly introductory information, but it’s clear from the very beginning that the march is inaccurately named because they say anyone can participate. You don’t have to be a scientist.

Who can participate:

Anyone who values empirical science. That’s it. That’s the only requirement.

So it would be more accurate to call it the Science Enthusiasts’ March on Washington.

Obviously they couldn’t feasibly prohibit people from marching based on their occupation or educational background, but they more than likely wouldn’t have even if they could. Turnout would likely be very small if they limited participation to people with PhDs and active research grants (though they would still probably get more press than the annual March for Life gets in a decade). Plus, if they limited participation to actual scientists they couldn’t allow Bill Nye to deliver a keynote speech. (Come on, you know that’s going to happen.)

So who and what should you expect to find at this march? I’ll make some predictions. These are of course contingent on this thing actually picking up steam, but here they are in no particular order.

• Bill Nye, the B.S. in mechanical engineering guy (natch)
• Neil Degrasse Tyson, the Astrophysicist attention whore guy
• People who watched and thought they understood Cosmos
• Everyone within a 50 mile radius of Washington D.C. who religiously follows “I F*cking Love Science” on Facebook.
• Several Toyota Corolla-loads of neck-bearded, fedora-wearing, atheists
• A significant fraction of the federal workforce in D.C. who will be attending while the rest of us are paying them to work
• A guy dressed as Donald Trump carrying a paper-mâché globe that looks like it’s on fire
• At least one person who cites a completely fictional oversimplification of what happened between Galileo and the Church, and why
• A speaker who mentions something about people believing the earth was flat before Columbus
• People who will boo angrily at said mention of Columbus
• Leonardo DiCaprio and/or Al Gore
• Someone dressed as Captain Planet (possibly Leonardo DiCaprio and/or Al Gore)
• An alarmingly high bumper-sticker to car ratio
• People looking to score free weed
• The aforementioned Senator Sanders (hopefully to give a speech on the relationship between orgasms and cervical cancer)
• Someone from the cast of The Big Bang Theory
• The usual hippie suspects like PETA, Greenpeace, anarchists, Communist Party USA, Black Lives Matter, Code Pink, etc. who show up at EVERY anti-Republican event no matter what the topic is.
• Probably that Muslim science prodigy who proved that you can take apart a clock and make it look like a bomb

When all is said and done, the most accurate name for the event will probably end up being The Climate Alarmist and Smug Atheist March on Washington. This is totally going to be about climate change paranoia and hysteria over someone somewhere believing in creationism and not evolution. There won’t be picket signs condemning “essential oil” scams, crystal healing, or urine therapy. Nobody will be calling out Gwyneth Paltrow for telling women to steam clean their lady parts or for her belief that water has feelings.

The most important thing about any event celebrating cold hard empirical facts is protecting people’s feelings, so diversity is the next thing on their list. It’s not good enough to just say that anyone who likes science can participate. They have to extend special invitations to special classes of people who I suppose they believe are outside the scope of the word “anyone.”

Diversity

We will both have a diversity committee and a diverse steering committee that represents people of
many backgrounds and identities.

Science is done by POC, women, immigrants, LGBTQ, indigenous people,
people of all beliefs and non-belief. We hope that this diversity is reflected in both the
leadership of the march and the march itself.

(They’re open to all beliefs except the belief that they might be wrong about something.)

There are certain things that we accept as facts with no alternatives. The Earth is becoming warmer due to human action. The diversity of life arose by evolution. Politicians who devalue expertise risk making decisions that do not reflect reality and must be held accountable. An American government that ignores science to pursue ideological agendas endangers the world.

There’s diversity, but we really don’t want any diversity, if you know what I mean and I think you do. We can only assume that they think a government that exploits science to pursue ideological agendas is perfectly a-okay.

I have no trouble believing the climate is (still) changing but that it’s primarily caused by human action is hardly a proven fact. As for their other non-negotiable, I would rather set myself on fire than be anywhere near people who get cranked up about evolution no matter what they believe about it.

Isn’t science apolitical?

Yes. The march is non-partisan, but it is absolutely intended to have an impact on policy makers.

It’s apolitical, but it is also, like, totally freaking political, dude. 

All that being said, I will be there if they can guarantee that Neil DeGrasse Tyson will show up wearing a vagina costume.