The Pulitzer Prize Dis-Honors: Robo Torts, Stolen Gin Ports, and Buying Cars With Contents in Your Shorts

Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From the Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Editorial Writing

Farhood Manjoo — New York Times

Last week there was quite a self-created furor in media circles over gas stoves, where initial claims of danger and bans were mocked heavily, so the narrative shifted to claim conservatives made the controversy up. Call it a dose of bad timing then that the New York Times, which had already made the narrative shift, released an op-ed after the fact that carried with it a headline even more melodramatic than any of the claims they pointed at coming from the Right.

Yes it's Republicans making shit up about gas stoves

Oh wait @fmanjoo https://t.co/6Z3GVzNZhN

— Clarence Whorley – (@ClarenceWhorley) January 13, 2023

Distinguished Breaking News

Garrett Haake — MSNBC

In covering the contentious process of electing the new Speaker of the House, MSNBC’s Haake decided to join in with the press in piling on the tumult we witness with over a dozen votes taking place. Of course, being a member of the MSNBC crew means that certain pre-written scripts had to be adhered to — even when those plotlines did not hold up to factual scrutiny. Or common sense.

Haake comes to the conclusion that those holdout Republican members who would not cast their support to Kevin McCarthy were guilty of (you guessed it), Election denialism! His conclusion: People were somehow denying an election by…actively partaking and voting in said election.

This is some amazingly stunted thinking on the House Speaker drama, not amazingly coming from @MSNBC.
Watch as @GarrettHaake declares that it is considered "election denialism" when House members…(wait for this)…are casting a vote. pic.twitter.com/yQOMl9XHoO

— Brad Slager: CNN+ Lifetime Subscriber (@MartiniShark) January 6, 2023

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

Megan Cerullo — CBS News

Now if anyone slanders you on social media with the accusation “you’re a bot!”, you can dial up your automaton attorney to represent you before a jury of your processors. News is out that we are edging ever closer to SKYNET, as we learn that there is now a robot lawyer that can represent you in court.

Sort of. It is actually an artificial intelligence interface that you can use in certain courtrooms through your phone. The AI will listen to the proceedings in the courtroom and feed you the necessary information to represent yourself before the judge. Be sure to choose the one who is next in line to become a partner at their law firmware.

A "robot" lawyer powered by artificial intelligence will be the first of its kind to help a defendant fight a traffic ticket in court next month. https://t.co/KwUPsaGYGZ

— CBS News (@CBSNews) January 10, 2023

Distinguished Investigative Reporting

Tom Norton — Newsweek

In Switzerland, the distillery Ginial had to contact customers who had advance-ordered a particular bottle of gin that there will be a delay in their delivery. The reason? The particular gin they craft has turned up missing.

Ginial creates a batch of its spirit that is housed inside a steel sphere, containing approximately 60 gallons or so, and it is then sunk to a depth of about 75 feet in Lake Constance, for a period of 100 days. This technique is done as it is supposed to impart flavors…somehow. Well, it turns out that somehow the steel ball — weighing in at over 1,700 pounds — was stolen from the lake bed, leaving the distillery with little to go on as far as how to retrieve its product.

Reports on social media claim that a giant tank filled with gin was stolen from the bottom of a lake, in a story severely lacking in Christmas spirit. https://t.co/ljcfDipZD2 pic.twitter.com/5IWmC1z3b2

— Newsweek (@Newsweek) December 20, 2022

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

Rachel Lang — Lad Bible

The caustic dismissive joke about middle-aged men and their proclivity to drive sports cars being a form of compensation for possessing a diminished phallic presence has long been told (Okay, maybe a poor choice of phrasing there). Well in Britain, a study has been conducted to suggest there could be some validity to this alluded-to connection between their manhood and a crankshaft.

At the University College of London, a preliminary study of 200 men began by feeding them information that suggested they might be sitting with a below-average set of wedding tackle between their legs, and then surveyed their impression on a variety of products. “We found that males, and males over 30 in particular, rated sports cars as more desirable when they were made to feel that they had a small penis,” the study said.

I wonder what my Kia Picanto says about me…https://t.co/9jMCxVpgza

— Miles Blumsom (@MilesBlumsom) January 13, 2023

Distinguished International Reporting

Thomas Graham — The Guardian

Maybe in Britain they figure a bulk of their readership is interested in this type of content??? For some reason, the outlet felt that a story out of Bolivia about an airline seeking to find a missing parcel was major global news.

The incident has prompted pointed questions over the performance of Bolivia’s many state companies, a continual source of debate between the leftist government and its opposition.

An airline lost a woman’s cat after a flight. In order to help them locate the displaced feline the airline is enlisting the help of an “interspecies communicator”. That is, a cat psychic.

The psychic, remote working from La Paz, has been in touch with [the owner] by WhatsApp to say they sense Tito is still alive. But there is, so far, no trace of the missing feline.