Welcome to Are We Doomed? the weekly column in which I will take the latest news and try to determine if it’s all downhill from here.

A Royal Pain

I’d like to take this opportunity to say I told you about Meghan Markle. I did.

And so did Piers Morgan, who took the opportunity of telling us all again.

*NEW COLUMN*

PIERS MORGAN: Why the Queen must FIRE Their Royal Hustlers https://t.co/oN3lU5RbeU via @MailOnline

— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) January 9, 2020

I guess Meghan and Harry forgot that, when regular people go from a billionaire’s home on the ocean in one continent to visit family in their palace in another (what, you don’t do that?), they bring their children. Instead, these two left baby Archie with a nanny. So, after exploding Harry’s family, Meghan left him to deal with the fallout and went back to see her child.

Verdict: Are you going to start listening to me? Are you? This whole situation is a mess, and we have yet to discover what the level of doom is. This one is on Her Majesty the Queen. I hope she doesn’t put up with much, for that will set the tone.

She Who Smelt it…

When someone passes gas in one’s presence, the polite thing to do is just to ignore it. It doesn’t really need to be broadcast, right? Then again, a breach in etiquette doesn’t really require dire consequences.

Apparently, nobody communicated either of those things to this pair.

Texas man headbutted, choked girlfriend for claiming his fart ‘smelled horrible,’ affidavit states
https://t.co/ccwZgvLEw5

— KSAT 12 (@ksatnews) January 8, 2020

Verdict: This is just a symptom of larger doom. I can forgive the girl for her breach of etiquette in mentioning it, but not this guy for head-butting and choking her. And then, of course, this went viral. Come on, people.

Dogs Exist

how to play catch with your dog
(hdbrosriley IG) pic.twitter.com/5ez6Ee2yw6

— Humor And Animals (@humorandanimals) January 7, 2020

Verdict: If we all lived our lives to make dogs this happy, the world would be a perfect place.

Glaciers Are Still Here

Glacier National Park in Montana used to feature signs saying that the glaciers after which the park was named would be gone by 2020. Well, it’s 2020 and the glaciers are still there. Rather than throw a big party or launch a campaign to celebrate the healthy glaciers, they’re just quietly removing the signs.

Glacier National Park removing all "glaciers will be gone by 2020" signs https://t.co/RQQAKIy18D

— Disrn (@DisrnNews) January 7, 2020

Verdict: We’re not doomed from climate change/disruption/whatever we call it now, but we might be doomed by the fact that nobody wants to celebrate that.

Australia is Burning

Australia has been raging with wildfires, and it turns out arsonists have been out in force.

Verdict: We are doomed as long as people keep acting like this and as long as people will only report what suits them.

No.

There exists in the world a candle that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow’s nether regions (according to Gwyneth Paltrow), and it sold out. It’s back in stock now, but just no.

Verdict: This exists, this is labelled as being you-know-what scented, and people actually bought it. Triple doom.

Thank God.

I mean it. I thank God for this miracle.

I told you about little Walter, who was born fighting for his life. Every step of the way, he did better than expected, he and his family were surrounded in prayer, and he’s already home.

Baby Walt Update – He’s Home https://t.co/NkgHaUmqT8

— Legal Insurrection (@LegInsurrection) January 7, 2020

Verdict: Seeing the way people near and far, known and unknown came together for little Walter gave me faith in my fellow man. Maybe we’re not doomed after all.

Dave Chappelle

Comedian Dave Chappelle was awarded he Mark Twain Prize for American Humor this week. In his speech, he talked about the importance of letting all opinions be heard (yes, all), the first and second amendments (yes, also the second), and why comedy matters. But it was what he said when recognizing his mother that really stuck with me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwyeYmXjD1A

I was a soft kid, I was sensitive, I cry easy and I would be scared to fistfight, and my mother used to tell me this thing, I don’t even know if you remember but you said this to me more than once you said, “Son, sometimes you have to be a lion so you can be the lamb you really are.” I talked this shit just like a lion. I’m not afraid of any of you when it comes word to word, I will gab with the best of them just so I can chill and be me. And that’s why I love my art form, because I understand every practitioner of it whether I agree with them or not, I know where they’re coming from they want to be heard, they got something to say, there’s something they noticed, they just want to be understood. I love this genre. It saved my life, so tonight, mom, I would like to honor you.

I thought that was kind of beautiful, and applies to a whole lot of situations.

Verdict: Parents matter, and it sounds like Dave Chappelle had a great mom. Good parents will certainly keep us from doom.

Wait, What?

Submitted without comment.

Man High On Meth, Fights Off 15 Police Officers While Masturbating – https://t.co/HvrDpRcmIE

— WeHo Daily (@WeHoDaily) January 9, 2020

Verdict: I think you can figure this one out for yourselves.

Brad Pitt

When Pitt won the Golden Globe for best supporting actor for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (it’s really good, you should see it), he left the audience with an important message.

“If you see an opportunity to be kind to someone tomorrow, take it. I think we need it.”

Verdict: Wouldn’t the world be a wonderful, doom-free place if we lived like that? I appreciated him sharing that message with the millions watching.

Ricky Gervais

I honestly didn’t even know the Golden Globes were on until my Twitter feed exploded. Comedian Ricky Gervais was hosting and he was laying into Hollywood hypocrites.

Here’s his opening monologue.

DANG.

I also liked this joke at the end, which didn’t seem to get as much attention.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c7X6k701Xo

There seemed to be some blowback by people pointing out that Gervais is a liberal atheist. Yes, I know. So what? He was still right about this and, from the reaction shots, it had been a while since anyone in that room had had a dose of honesty to their faces. I don’t need to agree with everything a person says to agree with something he says. He was right about this and I enjoyed it. I’m glad he did it.

I also liked his Twitter feed over the days that followed.

People tried to call it right-wing, because it went after Hollywood hypocrisy. He wasn’t having that:

How the fuck can teasing huge corporations, and the richest, most privileged people in the world be considered right wing? 😂 #GoldenGlobes pic.twitter.com/rfXdGrZ41j

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 6, 2020

He got tons of new followers, understood they wouldn’t appreciate and agree with everything he tweeted, but also knows what they really want:

Welcome to the 300,000 new followers I acquired today. I promise you won’t like everything I say, but here’s a sexy photo. pic.twitter.com/zLv7nDBWg7

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 7, 2020

I’m a little surprised he wasn’t expecting the media response:

I always knew that there were morons in the world that took jokes seriously, but I'm surprised that some journalists do. Surely, understanding stuff is pretty fundamental to their job, isn't it? Just makes it funnier though, I guess😇

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 7, 2020

Yes, times four:

1. Simply pointing out whether someone is left or right wing isn't winning the argument.
2. If a joke is good enough, it can be enjoyed by anyone.
3. It's not all about you.
4. Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 8, 2020

He tried to remind everyone how comedy works:

I didn't roast Hollywood for being a bunch of liberals. I myself am a liberal. Nothing wrong with that. I roasted them for wearing their liberalism like a medal. I'm such a snowflake, liberal, I can't even really hate them for it. But my job is to take the piss. I did that. 😇 pic.twitter.com/bYwqxiyeKu

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 8, 2020

Most importantly, he was happy that people enjoyed it regardless. Guess what? We don’t all have to agree on everything to have some fun.

I’ve noticed a couple of tweets criticising me for “accepting” new followers who are the “opposite” of me. Christian, conservative, pro life, pro gun, reactionaries. Of course I accept them. To err is human, to forgive divine. It’s what Jesus would do. Dog Bless all my followers. pic.twitter.com/25iufHbQjs

— Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) January 10, 2020

Verdict: If more people were able to make fun of themselves, enjoy others regardless of ideological differences, and find common ground (like dogs!), we aren’t doomed in the least.