This year, once again, April 22 is the date for the dumbest holiday on earth, Earth Day. Despite it’s name, it is not a celebration of the Earth or God’s Creation or the majesty of nature but, instead, a wholly cynical pretend “holiday” that is designed to make radical environmentalist wackos seem mainstream and normal so that, ultimately, money can be taken from middle class Americans and given to people in other countries. It should be called Hooray for Redistribution Day. Or, you know, something similar to my idea but that is good and clever.

On this absurd day (out-absurded only by the impossibly dumber “Earth Minute”), environmental activists and Hollywood celebrities and virtue-signaling corporate patsies and high school kids and all the rest of the mixed bag of nuts are going to put on their usual plumage and perform their “stop mating” rituals and tweet about electricity and, well, a whole bunch of stupid stuff that I’ve compiled on a computer using top manufactured technology I bought at a reasonable price thanks to progress and human ingenuity and capitalism into a list I like to call “The Seven Most Idiotic Things About Earth Day You Will Definitely See and Certainly Hate”. It could probably use some trimming but hey, I live in a rich country with many resources so I’ll use a couple of extra words now and then.

With all that in mind, the list:

7) iActivism
The most obvious of all is iActivism. Millions and millions of devoted Earth Day lovers will celebrate by posting not only messages on social media, but data intensive video and photos and memes designed to make you feel bad for the comforts you enjoy allegedly at the expense of Earth’s health. Earthing it up from their high-end, hand-held, futuristic but fossil-fuel-dependent iDevices. And is it for something real? Something tangible? Not really. It’s to feel good and virtuous. And nothing is less worthwhile than where you’ll definitely see their output, the …

6) Hashtags for Helping Habitats, Humanity and Hackey Sacks.
Yes #hastagactivism will be the order of the day. That most useless of all iActivism, it is where you don’t use the hashtag as a way of sorting your content, or aggregating your hackeysack league updates, but as an end unto itself. Little pictures of themselves holding pieces of paper with the hashtag written on it. So to be clear, they’re killing trees for paper, octopi for ink (that’s a joke, humorless libs) and dinosaurs for electricty (not a joke. #SaveTheTRex!!), again on their little earth-murdering handheld miracles. Just watch how many people are holding them up at rallies tomorrow, which will be aired over and over on …

5) Wall-to-Wall, Self-congratulatory TV Coverage
The rallies will be reported on, lovingly and solemnly, by the hair and makeup set on every channel. Each year the worst offender in this category is NBC, who change their logo green because that definitely makes a HUGE difference. This mega-corporation (formerly a GE company!!) is one of many you’ll see tomorrow putting up green graphics and airing green shows, all of which took production to create. Yes, even the logo. The NBC “Green is Univeral” Initiative gave out a few trees and once made a wind-powered TV station, but if you think they’re going to actually sacrifice something, like major sporting events for example, forget it. But they do ask you to imagine stuff and, oh yes, to HASHTAG STUFF!! Amazing. One thing their cable news channel, MSNBC, will definitely be covering tomorrow will be …

4) Giant Festivals Filled With Parasitic Humans
This is one of my favorites. Earth Day Texas is, and brags about being, the biggest example.

Founder Trammell S. Crow set his sights on making it a national and eventually international attraction, an important environmental conference drawing elites from the coasts

Children. Ladies and gentlemen. Can you see the problem here? Like Gore’s massive operation touring the world making money off of.. oh sorry, “raising” money for green causes, these conferences operate on a simple, stupid principle. Their premise is “yes we know it hurts the earth to fly these idiots around to parties all the time but the work is more important.” Mind you, “keeping my family cool in the summer” is NOT more important, so turn off your air-conditioning, the South. Mind you, living in a comfortable home with modern conveniences like dishwashers and toilet paper is not more important, so goodbye “McMansion”, filthy American pigdogs. But these parties? Oh dude, for sure. Do as we say do, not as we do do. (Like I said, toilet paper isn’t green.) And as these tens of thousands of iActivists traipse around Texas trying gadgets and eating out, driving cars, taking flights, and hashtagging, all of which you’ll be able to watch in beautiful HD color in huge wall-to-wall fawning television “news” segments, there will be a smell in the air that follows hippies everywhere. No, not body odor, but …

3) Metric Butt Tons of Weed, Brah
Take yourself to any of these rallies and gatherings and love-ins for Earth Day and you won’t be able to miss it. That Colorado air. The pot. The environmental movement is jam packed with legalize-it types and tomorrow will be no exception. Mass farming is bad for earth, mmkay? Farmers take too much land. Unlike the … pot growers of South America? Dude. HUGE swaths of the rainforest have fallen to the cartels in the name of their industry. Enormous amounts of carbon expended getting their product to other countries illegally. Not to mention the luxurious lifestyles of the rich and infamous. I’d mention the human cost, too, but that’s not so much a concern of enviros, who would just as soon see the human population cut down to size anyway. In fact, there will be plenty of activists happy to tell you about their …

2)Plans, Dreams and Desires for the Death of Giant Portions of Humanity
The movement to reduce the human population is not as insignificant as you think. Nor as benign as they want you to believe. And they cross party lines, with hard line anti-immigration groups mixing with zero population growth groups. On Earth Day they all get a little more blatant, and you’ll see their iActivism all day. This falls under idiocy or perhaps malignancy, as they pray for and hope for major environmental disasters, diseases, wars, and famines to wipe out about half the earth. Note, they don’t “predict” it, they eagerly anticipate it, along with other extreme measures like supporting China’s brutal one-child policy that only reason was slightly relaxed. And of course, one of the arguments they use to justify their hope for horror, one of the justifications for every item on this list, is the great big grandpa of all dumb Earth Day activities ….

1) GLOBAL WARMING ALARMISM
This one goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway. From scammer like Bill Nye getting gung-ho for imprisoning “doubters” (you may also refer to them as heretics), to spittle-flecked rage rants from speakers at rallies, to the committed wackadoos chaining themselves to highways or trees or whatever they can get a consent to be chained form from, the outright fear-mongering and pure venomous hate from the most alarmist end-of-days group known to man will be on full, bulging-eyed, vein-throbbing display tomorrow. They will curse and spit upon those who fail to believe in their “consensus” even as they continue to swallow whole every fake study and falsified temperature record in the name of their false idol: bad science. And remember these apocalypse-featuring loudmouths are the same sort of people who would laugh in your face if you believed in Biblical prophecy.

Make no mistake, the crazies have decided that those who fail to accept and comply with their prescription for Earth’s fever – namely the mass, socialist redistribution of wealth on a global scale and the outright punishment of Americans for being good and industrious and successful as a people – will be driven before the angry mob tomorrow, so if you’re venturing forth, blend in or be ready.

Earth Day. It could have been cool. Instead it’s insanity. And if you needed just one more thing to hate about it, remember this: Every kid in America is going to have the entire crazy, human-hating, science-mangling, end-of-the-world-fear-mongering bit of it crammed down their throats all day at school tomorrow.

Enjoy!